I really want to hang out with you. Being with friends makes me happy but please, understand that I am scared. My anxiety gets the better of me. If I decide to come, it’s already an effort. If I don’t, know that I really, really appreciate that you think of me but I have no words to express it.
Understand that anxiety can hit at any time. It doesn’t just happen in “stressful” moments. Anxiety means that at any given moment I can be stressing out about what might happen, what didn’t happen or something that happened three years ago. Anxiety means that my mind never stops, I don’t have peaceful moments. If I don’t do something with you, it doesn’t mean that I didn’t want to, just that I am exhausted from dealing with my mind.
If I blow you off or, better yet, lash out after you compliment or praise me, it isn’t because I’m angry that you said that. It’s because as soon as you said those kind things about me my self hatred and doubt screamed a thousand rebuttals as to why you were wrong, why I was worthless and that you were only pitying me. I wasn’t lashing out in anger, I was lashing out in pain.